Self-Defense Against Vampires

Scared of vampires? Worried you or a loved one might turn into one? If so, fear no more. Simply arm yourself with three stakes and a mallet, two cloves of garlic, one bottle of holy water, and this book. Now you’re ready to paint the town red... with vampire blood! If, like most people, you dream of impaling vampires, digging up the dirt on their murky underworld, or even fancy yourself as something of a professional butt-kicking vampire slayer, then this is your lucky day. By reading this dynamic groundbreaking tome, you can have all your dreams come true and be the superhero you deserve to be. Already adopted by major law enforcement agencies as their go-to manual, (though of course they’ll all deny it), this is the definitive text for tackling the undead. Separating centuries of pernicious myth from truth uncovered by decades of rigorous study and practical combat experience, this book is an invaluable guide for all who find themselves in danger of vampirification. Read it and learn the mark of these bloodthirsty monsters and turn predator to prey. And no, in case you’re wondering, vampires don’t sparkle in the sunlight.